Family = Home

I love my family. When I'm not with them I miss them.
I miss everyone actually.
I hate being alone. It reminds me of how I used to be and that scares me. That shouldn't make sense. I'm so used to being alone, and entertaining myself, that I'm accustomed to it, but when I am alone I die inside. It actually does make sense though... I'm scared of hurt. I'm afraid of loss, hunger, suffering, drama... When I'm alone I can't stop myself from thinking about it. From thinking about things I'm trying to keep myself from thinking about.

My insides ache. Not just because I feel alone, but because I miss the people who understood. Who would hug me the minute I would start crying, no matter the reason, who gave me the benefit of the doubt... who always would put sunshine in my heart. I miss the people who built me up. Now, I feel like half of me is missing when they aren't here anymore. It was a luxury, and now I understand what it feels like to have no one to talk to. I don't mean that literally. I have a lot of people I can talk to. Tell anything to. But I miss the people who saw through the words, and saw the hurting me inside. Instead of "I'm sorry" they knew what to say to make me smile, make me think, and make me feel relieved. It wasn't just a friend thing. It was deeper. I understand what it feels like to be alone.
A hurt heart can feel everything. Like all of it's senses are enhanced so when you fall again, it hurts that much more. You're not trying to be dramatic, you're not trying to be sulky and selfish. You're not even trying to be sad. But your heart is hurt. Recovery is not always found in happiness, and I want to believe that my pain is necessary. Necessary for ME to understand others. To hug them the minute they start crying, to know exactly what to say, to see through the words, to refrain from judgment... just to be there. Knowing pain makes it less annoying. But why does this road have to ache so much? I long to be content. I long to be released from restlessness. I long to be free from my selfishness. Wishes... I'm not free yet. I have enhanced senses, and I'm still falling. Crack, goes my walls when the slightest quiver shakes me. The salt in my tears annoys me, but my recovery isn't in His will yet. My patience is. Teach me how to be patient when it hurts to breathe. When those who I love are ripped away. When my friends hurt me. When my walls crack under pressure. Teach me patience when I don't know how to walk, I've been down so long. When I don't know how to hold on to the things I love. When I don't know how to hold on to myself. Teach me patience when I'm homeless.

I don't hate right now. I'm bitter, but I don't hate. I'm angry, but I don't hate. I don't understand, but I don't hate. Facing my fears isn't hate. It's what I've been told to do. I wish I could be stonger when I face them. I wish I could be patient when I stand amidst them. I have enhanced senses. And a hurt heart.
I know... that didn't make a whole lot of sense (to most of you). My emotions don't make sense...

How do you not tell anyone your pain, and not keep it bottled up inside? Like this? Writing it out? Well, this hard. I can't type out everything like I could say it. But I can't say everything like I could write it. Why is that? I'm lost...
Home is where the heart is. My heart is... lost. Where is home? Where is my home? I need it. I need to understand what it means to be homesick. I want to understand what it feels like to make myself at home. I want my home. I want to feel at home. That's where my heart is.
My family. I think they are my home. They are the only people right now that put up with my selfishness and don't judge me because of it. They understand what it's like. They've been there. They would hug me the second I start crying, no matter the reason. I believe that. They see through my words to the hurting Becca inside. They know what to say. They put sunshine in my heart. You always come back to home- I'll always come back to my family. They've taught me patience. To persevere through the pain when it hurts to breathe. They are consistent. I am blessed with a luxury.

You're probably wondering what the heck I've been drinking, and why I got so mushy in a post that the world can see. I'm glad the world can see. The truth is, I've spent most of this week "alone" but I'm surrounded by my family. I've felt hurt from almost everyone and there they are with open arms. I guess I'm not so alone. Even if my friends hurt, judge, and leave me, I'm not alone. Thank God.

Hugs on the other hand...