Serious Post

So today I wanted to fit in two posts: A serious one, and a silly post. Judging by the title, you can already guess what type this one is. The picture probably helps a little too. Ever wonder why I use a picture in all of my posts? Sometimes I don't even talk about the picture. I do it because it sets the mood for the post. Sometimes I may add it just because I really like it, but most of the time I do it so I can prepare your emotions for what's to come next, a prolouge to my post.
I do, however, want to talk about this photograph. It really cries out to me. Look at it. At first glance (to me), the clouds overpower. Grey, pushed together, and sort of grumpy looking. Then the crows. Crows have always symbolized death, darkness, or some sad emotion. From Edgar Allen Poe's the "Raven" which is pretty much a crow, to scarecrows, and so on. I look at this, and the girl is LETTING the crow sit on her finger... as if she welcomes it. You also notice the ferris wheel in the background with a bunch of people on it. The girl is not on this wheel. She is sitting far away, holding a crow, and letting the grumpy wind mess her hair up. She also has her knees up. Whenever I'm lonely, sad, or emotional it's a natural instinct to curl up and wrap my arms around my knees. Alright. You get my point, I'm sure. Tone set. This post will probably not be as random, light, and fluffy as the majority of my other ones. If you were looking for a random, light, and fluffy post then please, go right ahead and endulge yourself in a less "serious" post. (I'm getting tired of the word "post"... There has to be another word for it...)

There are a few things I want to talk/type about, and I'm not sure where to start. Why can't I make myself stop procrastinating? Why do people scare me? When will I be able to be thankful, and bless God for what He's given me? Why is America so self-centered? Countless serious topics we could discuss and easily make ourselves sick with selfishness and sadness, but I want to start with people. Why DO they scare me? This has bothered me for some time. By some time, I mean the majority of my life. I've always been scared to open up, scared to be nice, scared to let anyone outside of my family see the real me. The answer, as complicated, and unrealistic as it may be, I fully understand. BUT it's the answer that really bothers me. So I keep asking the same question, hoping to get a different answer but every time I'm fueled with the same response, the same confusion, and same self-pitying sulk that evades my personal space. Every. Time. Why Why Why?! I cry out. But I know why. Trust and forgiveness. Past experiences have their own special way of fast forwarding to present time, and slapping me in the face with similair experiences ALL to do with people. Becca's been betrayed. Becca's been left behind. Becca's not loved enough. Becca's doesn't have friends. Becca's hurt. Becca's this. Becca's that. Stop me if you're tired of hearing my name. Personnally, I AM. Why can't I just let it go? My past is my past. Yes, people can be jerks, but so can I. I'm positive that sometime in my life, I've hurt someone in some way whether I've meant to or not. My mind is saying "But it's different" How, mind? How is it different? How is my pain more special? How is it bigger or more important? So you get why this bothers me. I go through this cycle. I wallow in my suffering, and count my misfortunes until it just about does me in. I realize how utterly selfish and ungrateful I am for the life God's let me live, for the path he's let me walk on, and the experiences he's let me go through. I turn back to him in humility, thank him, and it starts over again with a new problem involving a new person. What a God. To renew me time and time again, even though He knows I'll just fall again. But I'm getting sidetracked. I have trust and forgiveness issues. I have people who trust me. I have people who've forgiven me, yet I can't seem to do the same for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. God have mercy. This is what bothers me so much.
Procastination is sort of a side issue. I have ADD and take meds for it too. I'm homeschooled, have time, and the brain but I just can't force myself to do things when I should do them so I'm not up the night before until 2 in the morning with no sleep. I'm confident that if I DID I would succeed way better in school. Problem? Yes. :/
I remember waking up every morning and hearing my mom say "This is the day the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad of it." I think we get away from that too often. Me, in particular. Once something bad happens in my day, my mood is set, and it automatically ends my good attitude right then and there. That and the whole concept of getting caught up in our problems is an issue. My also mom says "Count your blessings" a lot. And I am indeed blessed beyond meausre. I have the best family that fits together as if every single person is a certain puzzle piece. We fight, yes, but I don't know many daughters who feel like they can tell their moms pretty much anything. I'm blessed to have a mother so understanding, Godly, wise, and real. My sisters are my best friends. They have been SUCH a gift to me. They listen, they advice, they keep me company. I go over to my sister's apartment every day, and it amazes me how she's not sick of me yet. My oldest sister still goofs around and smiles whenever she see's me, despite my issues with depression. My dad... Oh gosh, my dad. He is a living miracle. When I think about all he's been through, and going through; and how he still manages to hold as much love as he does, for others, in his heart... it brings tears to my eyes. A living, breathing miracle. I don't think we realize how much of a blessing having a family really is. I have the bestestestestest friend in the world. (oh grammar can go eat some veggies) Through the rants, the tears, the pain, the sin, and the wallowing, he is STILL here. That amazes me. I can be my total self around him and not worry about him getting up and walking away because I'm not good enough. I can honestly say, I don't know HOW I would have gotten through this journey without him. THAT is a blessing. I am surrounded by people who love me, who give me second chances, who forgive me, and who bring me closer to my Father. How could I ever forget to thank God for that? HOW? How can I skim over these incredible, mind-blowing gifts and stay transfixed on the trials I'm currently going through. Trials are even blessings, without which, I wouldn't be the person I am today. They've made me stronger. They've taught me countless things. How can I forget to thank God for using them to make me a better person? God... have mercy.
I'm not really sure what to write next. I don't want to rant about America because somehow I just end up on Hollywood, and I'm sick of Hollywood. I guess I use the rest of this post as a thank you.
Thank you, people. Thank you for breathing on this planet, and fulfilling God's glory, even if I can only focus on what you have done to wrong me. Thank you for looking past that. Thank you for using your beautiful talents to show others how amazing God is. Thank you for working your hardest to learn as much as you can, so you can succeed further in life.
Thank you, family. Mom, Dad, Mary, Mel. You are my treasure. Thank you for not giving up on me when I became too much to handle. Thank you for keeping me company when my friends didn't. Thank you for taking my side, even when it felt like you weren't. Thank you for being here, in this family. Thank you for walking beside me, and encouraging me, even when I just wanted to be a victim.
Thank you, Pete. Thank you for not being like every other person. Thank you for being unique, and hilarious. Thank you for putting up with my constant rambling, and whining. Thank you for pointing my to Christ and His perfect picture of loyalty and love. Thank you for not giving up and walking away, when time made it really hard not to. Thank you for being awesome. No one could ever replace you.
Thank you, pain. You're mean, but I need you. Thank you, for being there so I can grow and learn. Thank you for being a part of God's masterful painting, and fulfilling his purpose, tear by tear.
Thank you, God. You. Are. Awesome. Thank you, for being you. For loving me in the midst of my sin, and self-pity. Thank you for reminding me that this isn't just useless hurt that will never go away, and showing me examples from my past. Thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to work inside me, and help me to glorify you more efficiently. Thank you, God, for holding me when I thought I was falling, when I strayed, and when I felt too tired to carry on. Thank you for using the people in my life to bring me closer to you. Thank you for giving them patience to deal with me, and my selfishness. Thank you.



And on a less serious note:
Hugs on the other hand...