Family = Home

I love my family. When I'm not with them I miss them.
I miss everyone actually.
I hate being alone. It reminds me of how I used to be and that scares me. That shouldn't make sense. I'm so used to being alone, and entertaining myself, that I'm accustomed to it, but when I am alone I die inside. It actually does make sense though... I'm scared of hurt. I'm afraid of loss, hunger, suffering, drama... When I'm alone I can't stop myself from thinking about it. From thinking about things I'm trying to keep myself from thinking about.

My insides ache. Not just because I feel alone, but because I miss the people who understood. Who would hug me the minute I would start crying, no matter the reason, who gave me the benefit of the doubt... who always would put sunshine in my heart. I miss the people who built me up. Now, I feel like half of me is missing when they aren't here anymore. It was a luxury, and now I understand what it feels like to have no one to talk to. I don't mean that literally. I have a lot of people I can talk to. Tell anything to. But I miss the people who saw through the words, and saw the hurting me inside. Instead of "I'm sorry" they knew what to say to make me smile, make me think, and make me feel relieved. It wasn't just a friend thing. It was deeper. I understand what it feels like to be alone.
A hurt heart can feel everything. Like all of it's senses are enhanced so when you fall again, it hurts that much more. You're not trying to be dramatic, you're not trying to be sulky and selfish. You're not even trying to be sad. But your heart is hurt. Recovery is not always found in happiness, and I want to believe that my pain is necessary. Necessary for ME to understand others. To hug them the minute they start crying, to know exactly what to say, to see through the words, to refrain from judgment... just to be there. Knowing pain makes it less annoying. But why does this road have to ache so much? I long to be content. I long to be released from restlessness. I long to be free from my selfishness. Wishes... I'm not free yet. I have enhanced senses, and I'm still falling. Crack, goes my walls when the slightest quiver shakes me. The salt in my tears annoys me, but my recovery isn't in His will yet. My patience is. Teach me how to be patient when it hurts to breathe. When those who I love are ripped away. When my friends hurt me. When my walls crack under pressure. Teach me patience when I don't know how to walk, I've been down so long. When I don't know how to hold on to the things I love. When I don't know how to hold on to myself. Teach me patience when I'm homeless.

I don't hate right now. I'm bitter, but I don't hate. I'm angry, but I don't hate. I don't understand, but I don't hate. Facing my fears isn't hate. It's what I've been told to do. I wish I could be stonger when I face them. I wish I could be patient when I stand amidst them. I have enhanced senses. And a hurt heart.
I know... that didn't make a whole lot of sense (to most of you). My emotions don't make sense...

How do you not tell anyone your pain, and not keep it bottled up inside? Like this? Writing it out? Well, this hard. I can't type out everything like I could say it. But I can't say everything like I could write it. Why is that? I'm lost...
Home is where the heart is. My heart is... lost. Where is home? Where is my home? I need it. I need to understand what it means to be homesick. I want to understand what it feels like to make myself at home. I want my home. I want to feel at home. That's where my heart is.
My family. I think they are my home. They are the only people right now that put up with my selfishness and don't judge me because of it. They understand what it's like. They've been there. They would hug me the second I start crying, no matter the reason. I believe that. They see through my words to the hurting Becca inside. They know what to say. They put sunshine in my heart. You always come back to home- I'll always come back to my family. They've taught me patience. To persevere through the pain when it hurts to breathe. They are consistent. I am blessed with a luxury.

You're probably wondering what the heck I've been drinking, and why I got so mushy in a post that the world can see. I'm glad the world can see. The truth is, I've spent most of this week "alone" but I'm surrounded by my family. I've felt hurt from almost everyone and there they are with open arms. I guess I'm not so alone. Even if my friends hurt, judge, and leave me, I'm not alone. Thank God.

Hugs on the other hand...

Sick.

I feel like Blogger should memorize the font I ALWAYS use so I don't have to change it every time I do a new post. It's annoying. Anyways...
Hello, world. I'm sick today. Like my throat is on fire whenever I do anything to use it. (All this green tea, I'm inhaling, better improve my overall health) It's a cold. I think. Whatever. the main point is :
I can't do that
<-- Well I couldn't do that anyway but now I REALLY can't do it. So I have been obsessing over the last minute and a half of Stick Stickly by Attack Attack! Thank you, Chad. I want to jump up and down, hold a guitar over my head, and stick my tongue out like one of the dudes on the music video. BEAST. :D Also this is something that really annoys me: Owl City is sold out. HECK. I was going to buy tickets for my friend, Rose, and I think they went on sale at the end of November. The concert is in February. Sheesh. 1. Remodel your theater so it fits more people and 2. Sell more tickets, and notify me when you do. I get to see Rose, if I'm not still sick, this Friday! We'll be working on a cover of Winter Wonderland. I was skeptical but apparently it will be a cover of cover of Winter Wonderland. Jason Mraz did a cover, and we're doing a cover of HIS cover. It's actually kinda cool and original sounding. :)



See? Not bad.
"Look What You've Done" - Jet

Hugs on the other hand...

Rain

IT'S RAINING! :D
I love rain. I don't like shivering in the rain, but I like the feeling of it when it hits my skin. Like a really big cold showe.... never mind. Bad example. Rain= Awesome. I mean, hey! This Storm trooper agrees with me. :) You don't argue with storm troopers. It goes without saying. I feel like I should write some special Christmas post since it's sneaking up incredibly fast, but I wouldn't know what to write. Merry Christmas! There you go. :) Just kidding. I'll have to think. It would have to be serious.... Which I can't do right now. Heh. My weekend is PACKED. Friday afternoon/morning I'm hopefully going to see that new Rugby film with Jack and Taylor (some buddies), Friday night I'm going to Elizabeth's muscial (A good friend of Mary's), Saturday morning I'm going to try to go to Vapor, Saturday night I'm babysitting for some people I've never met, and Sunday I have family/friend stuff, and Church. Phew.
I hope I don't die today, in this Tornado Warning. I haven't been to Ireland yet. :( I must go to Ireland before I die. MUST. And Africa. I miss Africa. You might say that is weird since I came to the US when I was 5, but I remember almost all of it. I'm trying to find the point in why I even started this post... I don't think it was just rain...Haha maybe I will just write this whole thing on rain. Like some sort of dedication.... to um weather.... bad idea.
I think I'll go do something and come back so I have something better to write about. :'(

PHEW. One day later. Yikes. I'm feeling my addiction to sleep coming back. I'll start going to bed early, sleeping drastically late, and taking numerous naps. Why? Because I have no life. 1. Because my dreams are slightly more interesting than the world around me. Maybe some day I'll be able to control them. 2. One of the only times I feel at peace, and completely content... Unless the sheets come off the bed. I hate that. and 3. It just feels GOOD. To sleep. Who know BECCA, of all people, would love sleep THIS much.

PHEW. Okay- What's wrong with me. I started this post like... 3 days ago. Sheesh. It's not even that long. Anyways. I'm listening to Fuzzy Blue Lights. Over there -->

You know what I've found really frustrating? I feel like my meds aren't working as well as they used to. I've been so down lately and I can't put my finger on why. I have 10 millions to be happy and I'm... not. That frustrates me :/ Oh well. It's probably just a really long mood swing. 

Hugs on the other hand...

Silly Post

<-- I find that humorous
Well after the post below, I'm not quite sure what to write....Hmm....

I said I would write a funny post...You know what?

badgerbadgerbadger.com
Go there.
Right now.

Um.
I have karate tomorrow. :-)
I'm not sure whether or not I should capitalize "karate"...Okay. Silly post fail. The picture's funny though.




'Night, person.

Hugs on the other hand.

Serious Post

So today I wanted to fit in two posts: A serious one, and a silly post. Judging by the title, you can already guess what type this one is. The picture probably helps a little too. Ever wonder why I use a picture in all of my posts? Sometimes I don't even talk about the picture. I do it because it sets the mood for the post. Sometimes I may add it just because I really like it, but most of the time I do it so I can prepare your emotions for what's to come next, a prolouge to my post.
I do, however, want to talk about this photograph. It really cries out to me. Look at it. At first glance (to me), the clouds overpower. Grey, pushed together, and sort of grumpy looking. Then the crows. Crows have always symbolized death, darkness, or some sad emotion. From Edgar Allen Poe's the "Raven" which is pretty much a crow, to scarecrows, and so on. I look at this, and the girl is LETTING the crow sit on her finger... as if she welcomes it. You also notice the ferris wheel in the background with a bunch of people on it. The girl is not on this wheel. She is sitting far away, holding a crow, and letting the grumpy wind mess her hair up. She also has her knees up. Whenever I'm lonely, sad, or emotional it's a natural instinct to curl up and wrap my arms around my knees. Alright. You get my point, I'm sure. Tone set. This post will probably not be as random, light, and fluffy as the majority of my other ones. If you were looking for a random, light, and fluffy post then please, go right ahead and endulge yourself in a less "serious" post. (I'm getting tired of the word "post"... There has to be another word for it...)

There are a few things I want to talk/type about, and I'm not sure where to start. Why can't I make myself stop procrastinating? Why do people scare me? When will I be able to be thankful, and bless God for what He's given me? Why is America so self-centered? Countless serious topics we could discuss and easily make ourselves sick with selfishness and sadness, but I want to start with people. Why DO they scare me? This has bothered me for some time. By some time, I mean the majority of my life. I've always been scared to open up, scared to be nice, scared to let anyone outside of my family see the real me. The answer, as complicated, and unrealistic as it may be, I fully understand. BUT it's the answer that really bothers me. So I keep asking the same question, hoping to get a different answer but every time I'm fueled with the same response, the same confusion, and same self-pitying sulk that evades my personal space. Every. Time. Why Why Why?! I cry out. But I know why. Trust and forgiveness. Past experiences have their own special way of fast forwarding to present time, and slapping me in the face with similair experiences ALL to do with people. Becca's been betrayed. Becca's been left behind. Becca's not loved enough. Becca's doesn't have friends. Becca's hurt. Becca's this. Becca's that. Stop me if you're tired of hearing my name. Personnally, I AM. Why can't I just let it go? My past is my past. Yes, people can be jerks, but so can I. I'm positive that sometime in my life, I've hurt someone in some way whether I've meant to or not. My mind is saying "But it's different" How, mind? How is it different? How is my pain more special? How is it bigger or more important? So you get why this bothers me. I go through this cycle. I wallow in my suffering, and count my misfortunes until it just about does me in. I realize how utterly selfish and ungrateful I am for the life God's let me live, for the path he's let me walk on, and the experiences he's let me go through. I turn back to him in humility, thank him, and it starts over again with a new problem involving a new person. What a God. To renew me time and time again, even though He knows I'll just fall again. But I'm getting sidetracked. I have trust and forgiveness issues. I have people who trust me. I have people who've forgiven me, yet I can't seem to do the same for my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. God have mercy. This is what bothers me so much.
Procastination is sort of a side issue. I have ADD and take meds for it too. I'm homeschooled, have time, and the brain but I just can't force myself to do things when I should do them so I'm not up the night before until 2 in the morning with no sleep. I'm confident that if I DID I would succeed way better in school. Problem? Yes. :/
I remember waking up every morning and hearing my mom say "This is the day the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad of it." I think we get away from that too often. Me, in particular. Once something bad happens in my day, my mood is set, and it automatically ends my good attitude right then and there. That and the whole concept of getting caught up in our problems is an issue. My also mom says "Count your blessings" a lot. And I am indeed blessed beyond meausre. I have the best family that fits together as if every single person is a certain puzzle piece. We fight, yes, but I don't know many daughters who feel like they can tell their moms pretty much anything. I'm blessed to have a mother so understanding, Godly, wise, and real. My sisters are my best friends. They have been SUCH a gift to me. They listen, they advice, they keep me company. I go over to my sister's apartment every day, and it amazes me how she's not sick of me yet. My oldest sister still goofs around and smiles whenever she see's me, despite my issues with depression. My dad... Oh gosh, my dad. He is a living miracle. When I think about all he's been through, and going through; and how he still manages to hold as much love as he does, for others, in his heart... it brings tears to my eyes. A living, breathing miracle. I don't think we realize how much of a blessing having a family really is. I have the bestestestestest friend in the world. (oh grammar can go eat some veggies) Through the rants, the tears, the pain, the sin, and the wallowing, he is STILL here. That amazes me. I can be my total self around him and not worry about him getting up and walking away because I'm not good enough. I can honestly say, I don't know HOW I would have gotten through this journey without him. THAT is a blessing. I am surrounded by people who love me, who give me second chances, who forgive me, and who bring me closer to my Father. How could I ever forget to thank God for that? HOW? How can I skim over these incredible, mind-blowing gifts and stay transfixed on the trials I'm currently going through. Trials are even blessings, without which, I wouldn't be the person I am today. They've made me stronger. They've taught me countless things. How can I forget to thank God for using them to make me a better person? God... have mercy.
I'm not really sure what to write next. I don't want to rant about America because somehow I just end up on Hollywood, and I'm sick of Hollywood. I guess I use the rest of this post as a thank you.
Thank you, people. Thank you for breathing on this planet, and fulfilling God's glory, even if I can only focus on what you have done to wrong me. Thank you for looking past that. Thank you for using your beautiful talents to show others how amazing God is. Thank you for working your hardest to learn as much as you can, so you can succeed further in life.
Thank you, family. Mom, Dad, Mary, Mel. You are my treasure. Thank you for not giving up on me when I became too much to handle. Thank you for keeping me company when my friends didn't. Thank you for taking my side, even when it felt like you weren't. Thank you for being here, in this family. Thank you for walking beside me, and encouraging me, even when I just wanted to be a victim.
Thank you, Pete. Thank you for not being like every other person. Thank you for being unique, and hilarious. Thank you for putting up with my constant rambling, and whining. Thank you for pointing my to Christ and His perfect picture of loyalty and love. Thank you for not giving up and walking away, when time made it really hard not to. Thank you for being awesome. No one could ever replace you.
Thank you, pain. You're mean, but I need you. Thank you, for being there so I can grow and learn. Thank you for being a part of God's masterful painting, and fulfilling his purpose, tear by tear.
Thank you, God. You. Are. Awesome. Thank you, for being you. For loving me in the midst of my sin, and self-pity. Thank you for reminding me that this isn't just useless hurt that will never go away, and showing me examples from my past. Thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to work inside me, and help me to glorify you more efficiently. Thank you, God, for holding me when I thought I was falling, when I strayed, and when I felt too tired to carry on. Thank you for using the people in my life to bring me closer to you. Thank you for giving them patience to deal with me, and my selfishness. Thank you.



And on a less serious note:
Hugs on the other hand...

Speak, Pizza, Ridiculous Amounts of Caffeine, and a Holiday Called: Stress

I finished a book last night called Speak and it was really good. I don't want spoil it for you in case you ever plan on reading it, but I can relate to the main character very well. The entire book is written in present tense, which is very hard to do (or maybe just to me), and blunt. By blunt I mean she uses short sentences, and she puts into practice this quote: "Say what you mean, and mean what you say". Successfully, I might add. At first, it was slow, but then as I got used to the tone of the book, it got more and more interesting. Good book. You should read it.

Almost 30 minutes to an hour ago, John got Mary, Elizabeth, and I PIZZA! Pizza! Bad, cravings. Bad. You'll be the death of me... No, really. By the time I'm 30 I swear I'm going to resemble a certain Aunt Marge from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban. And that will kill me. Obesity kills. I have an eating disorder. And not the kind where you DON'T eat or you BARF up all your food. The kind that actually sounds like it's name. An EATING disorder. As in, Becca eats too much. But food is good... And how can you pass up long-wanted pizza?! HOW? I must know!!! Did I really just rant on about on about getting fat? Speaking of which, it would be cool to be a cow for a day, no a week. :)

So today I awoke at 6:30 AM, which is early for me. I died of exhaustion, so naturally I thought "Caffeine!". Dr. Pepper. After that beverage we went to my Madre's doctor's appointment, and there I was still crippling myself from sleepiness, so naturally I thought "Caffeine". Starbucks. After this...Okay this is getting annoying. This is all the caffeine I had today:

-Dr. Pepper

-Cappuccino

-Diet Coke

-Mug of regular caffeinated coffee.

Tada! Caffeine overload!

I hate how you always do most of your rushing AROUND the holidays. Holidays insinuate thoughts like "Peace", "Break", "Sleep", and "No homework"

You couldn't get any more opposite. Think about it. You're rushing (well I am) to get your homework turned in before Christmas "break", and then all your teachers GIVE you homework TO DO on your "break". Why is it called a "break", if it's... well... not? You're family, and everyone else you know is rushing to get presents... on sale. Rushing to plan parties. And do you think that you're sleeping or relaxing while this is going on? I don't think so, Bob.

Hugs on the other hand...

Temper Trap, Garlic Bread, and Dihydrogen Monoxide= My day. :]

So look over there ---> And listen to "Sweet Disposition"

I'm listening to Mary. It's bitter-sweet. Sweet because she's so talented, and whenever I hear her skills on the piano and vocals, my heart warms. Bitter because, while I love having her play for my family "only" (with exceptions), I wish the world could see her and have all their hearts warm as well. It's a bit different since she is my sister. Either way, I thank God for her abilities, and talents. 

Today has been really good so far. A lot of my days are good, but today in particular. I don't have a Chemistry test to take (she didn't give us one :D), and the sky cried rain down, and exhaled a fair amount of wind. It felt good on my face. I then spent the rest of the day (until now, since I don't what's happening next.... Good example: Right as I typed that, Mary did a Beethoven and dramatically ran her hands all the way down the keyboard) with Mary, being awesome. I don't think you really wanna know every single little thing I did, because that's boring and unnecessary so I'm going to leave that out of here. Good for me. You know what? No? Then leave. I was going say....THAT MY ENGLISH HOMEWORK IS DONE. Like you totally care. :P 

I am soooo not looking forward to next week. Monday is a sad sad sad day. Why you ask? Because I said so. It is the day that we must sing to incredibly (INCREDIBLY) cheesy music, screech out our solos, and pretend to be"happy" and "cheery" and "not bored" when we do it. THIS shall be a challenge. Allow me to be blunt: Not only will I be bored, but I will be frustrated that I'm singing a whole solo by myself, no one else, in a PRAISE AND WORSHIP BAND. Seriously, people?! Yes. Seriously. Blehhhhh. 

ANYWAY. I totally got off track. Why my day was/is good. Right. I almost typed "Tight" ha. And I laughed too. :D I also ate strawberry ice cream, made Young Frankenstein jokes, played- crap. I forgot I wasn't telling you everything in my day. Wow. Facepalm, Becca, facepalm. Throw in a palmface too.

And Mary stares into the atmosphere pondering the weight and meaning of life as her eyes flash from object to object. Worry creases her forehead "She's not answering her phone"

Funny funny funny. Twas a joke, senior citizen peep. You know, like the marshmellow? WHY IS MARSHMELLOW UNDERLINED IN RED!?!?!? What is this hypocrasy?! Why is that underlined in red? probably because I misspelled it. BTW don't listen to "Time to Pretend" by Mgmt over there --->

Why? Well I listened to an edited version on the radio, I looked up the lyrics.......wait. I removed it nevermind. Sheesh I'm so scatterbrained. 

The 2010 Winter Olympics are being held in Canada and some pretty interesting questions were asked. I'm sad to inform you that the answers are jokes, but the questions are authentic and....yeah (Thank you, James)

These are just a few of my favorites:

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )

A: No, WE don't stink. 

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

Okay.

Also, if you think about it, Christmas is weird. I mean you put a tree in your living room (once a year) and put weird random ornaments and such on it. That's weird if you think about it. And putting PRESENTS under it? Do you go outside in winter and put gifts under the first pine you see? Maybe that's why the tree is INSIDE....Hmm...

Hugs on the other hand...